...Reactionary...Conscious...Responsiveness...

...I'm thinking that the very things we were "gifted" are the very things we ought to pursue...

Hence, this poem I wrote. 

(So long pride...hello vulnerability)

{...Reactionary...Conscious...Responsiveness...}

Learning to breathe...learning to BE,

It's non-coincidental these came "naturally".

Intentional pursuit of gifts of grace,

Original glory restored to thy face.

Like stars in the Universe, we're to shimmer and gleam;

I'm spreading my wings underwater to soar upstream.

My heart to the sky,

I'm longing to fly...

With eyes closed softly, I feel the warmth of the Light;

It blurs every line, it's so beautifully bright.

I breathe it all in; the wind on my face,

Momentarily aware I exist in pure love and grace...

Must I return? Go back again?

If time only moves forward, shouldn't I then?

It doesn't "make sense", not in my mind;

What is it that's missing? What must I find?

Eluded peace, a passionate kiss...

It's all just for a moment, all a past wish.

But You are Eternal, and with You, I AM;

Together, Forever...In Your Glory we'll stand...

"My soul continually remembers it and is bowed down within me."

-Lamentations 3:20

I Will Wait

I WILL WAIT

Wow. I keep sitting down to write, but honestly, I am just so overwhelmed with all that I have been learning, realizing, and experiencing that I end up just staring at my computer, listening to some of my favorite songs, surrendering and praising...and that's not a bad thing. I am truly taking it in. I'm quite certain that I have way too much to write about at the moment than I actually have time for, but we'll just see where this goes...

It was a tough pick on the [song] title for this...there were several contenders, and I really didn't want to repeat an artist so soon but when I considered the effect this particular song has on me, as well as the fact that nearly everyone is familiar with the tune, it made me see the silliness in not wanting to "use" Mumford & Sons again so soon... Pride, it's so lame. 

I think to start I am going to repeat something else... I shared a GOOD (filling, satisfying, powerful, and humbling) chunk of Romans 12 with a lot of people the other day. I can't get enough of it. I will read it over and over, so if for no one else but myself, again, here it is:

"So here's what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life - your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking around life - and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for Him. Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what He wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to it's level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you...Living then, as every one of you does, in pure grace, it's important that you not misinterpret yourselves as people who are bringing this goodness to God. No, God brings it all to you. The only accurate way to understand ourselves is by what God is and by what He does for us, not by what we are and what we do for Him...Each of us finds our meaning and function as a part of His body...Let's just go ahead and be what we were made to be, without enviously or pridefully comparing ourselves with each other, or trying to be something we aren't... Love from the center of who you are... Run for dear life from evil; hold on for dear life to good. Be good friends who love deeply... Don't burn out... Be alert servants of the Master, cheerfully expectant..."
Romans 12 (bits & pieces) MSG

Freedom... I feel pretty confident that if someone had asked me over recent years, whether I thought I was living in freedom, I probably would've almost automatically answered "yes" (most likely, I think, because it's what I have convinced myself that I "should" believe, not as intentional brainwashing or anything but in true sincerity of feeling that I "should" have it, or feel it) but then inside my head I would be wondering..."do I really? Am I really 'free'?" The inner dialogue that would follow would undoubtedly cause me to beat myself up, doing the whole, "what the heck is wrong with me?" dance...Ummm, hi, that, my friend, is NOT freedom. How about living fearfully? That is not living free either. How about feeling like you can't just be YOU? Absolutely, positively, not freedom. And yet...do we all feel this way sometimes? I think so. We question our own true selves all the time...Referencing from above, "...don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God...Let's just go ahead and be what we were made to be, without enviously or pridefully comparing ourselves with each other, or trying to be something we aren't..." Yeeesh. There's a MUCH BIGGER picture here. It's not about me. It's not about you. It's not about what we want, or how we feel... It's all about God...what He wants. If we "fix our attention on God" we will be living in freedom. I believe that if we would release other people (as in every single person, and every single relationship) from the responsibility that we most likely do not even realize we are placing on them, and instead acknowledge that our every need and desire can only truly be met by God...wow...I think the freedom in that is radical and transformational. We unknowingly place so much pressure on each other...if someone is placing pressure on you and you're aware of it, and you've given them the power to affect you being you...you most likely do not feel free in that relationship, in that moment. But if you release them to truly be who they are and don't allow their "stuff" to compromise who God made you to be (your true self), and they do the same for you...that's some serious freedom. We're made to LOVE one another. We're not made to find everything we need in each other...if we could get everything we needed and desired in another person, there would be no need for God.  

Now, I know you know the song, but have you ever paid much attention to the lyrics?

Well, I came home

Like a stone

And I fell heavy into your arms

These days of dust

Which we've known

Will blow away with this new sun

But I'll kneel down,

Wait for now

And I'll kneel down,

Know my ground

And I will wait, I will wait for you

And I will wait, I will wait for you

So break my step

And relent

Well, you forgave and I won't forget

Know what we've seen

And him with less

Now in some way shake the excess

'Cause I will wait, I will wait for you

And I will wait, I will wait for you

And I will wait, I will wait for you

And I will wait, I will wait for you

Now I'll be bold

As well as strong

And use my head alongside my heart

So tame my flesh

And fix my eyes

A tethered mind freed from the lies

And I'll kneel down,

Wait for now

I'll kneel down,

Know my ground

Raise my hands

Paint my spirit gold

And bow my head

Keep my heart slow

'Cause I will wait, I will wait for you

And I will wait, I will wait for you

And I will wait, I will wait for you

And I will wait, I will wait for you

I don't know about you, but for me, this song is really powerful...it's especially powerful when I kneel down and sing it to Jesus...the true Lover of my soul.

Awake My Soul

"How fickle my heart and how woozy my eyes...I struggle to find any truth in your lies. And now my heart stumbles on things I don't know; my weakness I feel I must finally show... Har har, har har, har har, har har... AWAKE MY SOUL... For you were made to meet your Maker..."

Sometimes my heart gets so sad when I see how the world tries to "keep God out."

Oh wait, did I mention that I like to get deep right off the bat?

Anyways...it's probably obvious from my first post and now the start of this one, that I love music. I think everyone knows that song by Mumford & Sons... I just really, really believe that we were made to meet our Maker, and more-so, to know Him, to be in constant, flowing relationship with our God. There's nothing weird about that, so before we all build up those walls that we've become so efficient at automatically constructing, think for a moment... You can't escape God. God is everywhere. God is LOVE. There's just really no sense in trying to hide, though I think we all try to sometimes. We may as well invite Him in. Whatever we're doing, wherever we've been, it doesn't affect our Maker's love for us. We're not a surprise to God. How could we possibly surprise the One who made us? God already knows every single thing about us. Every. Single. Thing. And, He already loves us more than He ever could. It's so crazy. Crazy... Beautiful... Totally mysterious. He's not mad at you. He's not disappointed in you. [He's not mad at or disappointed in meeee... A little reinforcement is always good]. 

Since becoming a Mom (to Isaiah and Samaira, who will be two next month), I so often have these moments where I am so incredibly overwhelmed with my love for them and with how badly I want their lives to be fulfilling, and joyful...to be RICH with love and happiness and peace. And then, sometimes,  an almost unimaginable outpouring of love floods me from The One who created me, as if to say, "how do you think I feel about you?" I'm a flawed parent, but my Creator is perfect. As a parent longs for such things for their precious children, God longs for even better for us... 

It's outrageous. Outrageous love.

To (partially) quote a friend of mine, we all exist "in the limitless potential of divine creation." I think that's a pretty hopeful place to exist. I just wish we could all take the "weirdness" out of it, put down our defenses, open our hearts...perhaps even ask, "awake my soul?"

Oh, and by the way, "har har" (lyrics above) is translated as "Infinite Divinity" or "The Creative Infinity", just in case you wondered...

"Is this my life? Ahhh... Am I breathing underwater?"

It's a song...and about a month ago, it became my anthem of sorts. Finally, I feel I can breathe again...if only for right now, I'll take it. Am I okay? Are any of us, really? The key difference to me not being okay a month ago and me not being okay now, is the fact that I am now okay with not being okay...which makes me okay. I can laugh at it. Embrace it, even. I am so happy to not be perfect. Did I think I was? Not that I was aware of. Did I think I could be? Who knows...who cares? Not me. I didn't even realize how much pressure I had been placing on myself to "be good"...which is funny, considering we'll never be perfect. Not in ourselves. Not in this messed up, yet glorious life. I am perfect in my imperfection...a big mess and totally loved, totally okay, totally safe. Do I feel that way all the time? Hell no. I am where I am though, and that's right where I should be. I'm trying to stay mindful to be grateful for my challenges and for the growth opportunities they provide, even (and especially) when they just plain seem super sucky.

"And it's over, and I'm going under...but I'm not giving up, I'm just giving in..."

And so sweet it is, to just breathe...